The River--Chapter 5

Twenty-odd years ago and I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had just finished eating turkey and ham and stuffing and two kinds of potatoes at my house. My mamma and daddy grilled me about the baby's daddy. I told them what I always told them, "We're getting married." Daddy wanted to know why they never met him, then he called him a "deadbeat dirtbag" and threw the empty Fuki Plum wine bottle hard towards the plastic kitchen wastecan.

I looked toMamma and told her that I don't know why he was so angry, I was getting married: it was set in song. She looked at me like I was crazy, and I decided that this was as good a time as any to let JJ and his family know about my condition and our impending marriage. I figured the family would be there, I'd tell 'em, we'd all have pie and things would be fine.

I asked Daddy for the keys to the La Baron. He didn't want to hand them over since I was pregnant, said it was two lives he'd have to worry about, then. Daddy thought I drove kind of reckless back then; I don't know why since I never had an accident. Anyway, I thought the walk would do me good; it was a couple of miles, not more.

When I got to JJ's seems my condition wasn't so much a surprise to them. I knocked on the door and had a big smile on my face. Their house was a nice home: real stone, like an old farmhouse from the 1700's and a big backyard that was probably part of a field at some time. I thought how nice that would be for a little kid growing up here. My parents lived in a half of a house on Main Street with a tiny backyard filled with old cars and lawn mowers. I could never play in the backyard because Mamma always said I could step on something sharp and  rusty and die of tetnus before Daddy got home from work.

JJ's mom opened the door with a kind smile on her face. When she saw me the kind smile turned to pitty. She put an arm around me immediately like I'd been living with wolves all my life and just stumbled into civilization.

"Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry to hear about your condition. All my Princess House friends were talking about you the other day. I was going to bake a cake."

My eyes brightened, "do you have some pie?" I prefered pumpkin, but wasn't going to appear too picky. I briefly wondered why the Princess House ladies were talking about me.

"We certainly have pie, my dear. It's Thanksgiving afterall. Do you prefer apple, pecan or pumpkin?" It looked as though she pittied me worse, now, like my own family won't give me pie for Thanksgiving.

"Pumpkin, please." JJ's mom led me through a maze of skinny, low archways towards the back of the house where a big plank table was laid out with paper cloths and food enough for about a hundred farmhands. There were about twelve or  fifteen people there, not including the toddler in the highchair. The kid seemed to old for a highchair, but he seemed at an in-between sort of age; too big for a highchair, too little for a regular chair, too unstable for a stack of phone books. I saw JJ right away and smiled. The blood seemed to drain right out of his face.

JJ's mom went to cut the pumpkin pie, and I smiled big at JJ.

"JJ, I swore you didn't even know, yet. I was just coming to tell ya, but your mamma says you got all her Princess House friends talking about it."

JJ stood up, wide eyes hollow, like that first trip to the river. If I'd have spit on him he would have fallen over.

JJ's dad came over to me and asked after my daddy, telling me he must be heartbroken, my being the only girl and all. Then JJ's mom came over and hushed him, sitting me down with a big piece of pie. Everyone else just stared at me, even the kid in the highchair. 

JJ's mom introduced me, "Everyone, this is Maddy; Maddy, this is everyone." Then she started naming everyone one by one, Aunt Jean, Cousin Bobby. Turns out the kid in the highchair is hers. JJ's brother is just a baby.

When JJ finally spoke, it was just to say that he never told his parents a thing about me. He said he didn't even know how they knew me.

JJ's mamma, she said to  call her Mellie, told me then that she knew my mamma and daddy from PTA years ago, and that once or twice JJ's dad went fly fishing with my daddy. At that moment, I knew that JJ knew that I was knocked up before I came over, but that he  never told his mamma and daddy that the baby was his. So I did.

Years later, JJ would say that what I did next was malicious, but I didn't see it that way. Like I said, my life is mapped out and for JJ's nineteeth birthday he was supposed to get a union card and a wedding coat. I think he already got the union card, so a coat was all he needed.

You see, as I was sitting there eating pie, happy as a clam with everyone staring at me, I just said that me and JJ had to get married.

"Well, I just came to say that JJ is the baby's daddy and that I'm sure he'll be a good one. I expect that we should get married after Christmas since the holidays are so crazy. The school said their going to give me some special home education for the last semester so I can get a diploma. JJ, when do you turn nineteen?

If the whole darn family wasn't staring at me enough already, they stared harder and stepped closer. They didn't look like an angry mob; more like zombies looking for a place to fall.

JJ just said "January fifteenth."

I  replied in a real friendly tone (trying to get the crazy out of this situation) "We should do the wedding-thing before then I think. What do you think about the seventh?"

No one seemed to respond to my calmness so I figured they all needed to talk a bit. I told JJ to give me a call or stop by since my Daddy's all riled up about meeting him and Mamma's all anxious to make an appointment with the JP. I got up, put my pie plate in the sink and turned to leave. Mellie stopped me and asked if I want some decaf. I said no, and asked if I ought not call her "Mamma" now. She didn't really respond, so I just said, "thanks, Mellie."

Walking home, I felt right on track.

The River--Chapter 4

JJ didn't talk to me for two weeks. I wasn't sure why since I knew he had to be my boyfriend for sure. So, week three--well into spring, now, and spring is next to summer--I asked him.

I knew that last period on Tuesday was Industrial Arts. The I.A. part of the school  was sort of disconnected and far from the rest of the school. Luckily for me, last period on Tuedsays I had study hall in the cafeteria. Not only was the cafeteria close to the I.A. rooms, but I also had the option of leaving early. I did my math homework, asked to be excused, and went to wait for JJ by the woodshop.

JJ saw me before he got out the door; he looked surprised, but not displeased.

"Wanna go to the river?" He asked as soon as he saw me.

"Yeah, tomorrow," I told him. I needed to prep better than last time.

We didn't talk about the two weeks in between; it didn't matter anyway. In fact we didn't talk about that day at all.

"Do you have to work the steak trailer for your daddy on Saturday?" I asked, making sure he was staying responsible.

"Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday," he told me. "Dad's worring about graduation. He knows I want to go to college."

"Wouldn't you have to have been accepted somewhere by now?" I asked.

"Probably, but community colleges are a little looser. I could at least take classes. I think he's afraid I'll leave the business in a lurch."

"Would you?" This is beginning  to concern me.

"Of course not, but I could learn how to run a better business; make more money. I could work at the same time--on the job training. Right now we're in the hole. It's costing the old man money to keep this thing going. He's probably going to sell the whole thing and go back to construction."

"Construction!? " I say. How things fall into place.

" I don't want to go into construction. I want a business."

"So be a contractor, then," thinking it won't matter much anyway.

"Hm. Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

......

That  was the beginning of my adult life, just like Bruce said it would be. JJ graduated in June and enrolled in summer classes at HAC while continuing to work the steak trailer. In August I found out I was going to have a baby. September I was to start the twelfth grade. . JJ's dad gave up the trailer in the fall, after Little League, and went into construction for the first time in fifteen years. JJ followed suit and quit HAC. We had seen each other off and on during the summer for river trips. I went all of September and October and most of November without seeing him. On Thanksgiving day, I went to his family's house--big with baby--to tell him the news.

The River--Chapter 3

By now you may think that my whole life was figured out by me at a very young age because of Bruce. Well, this isn't exactly true. You see, I know how episodes of my life would  play out once the song clicked in my head. For example, when I felt like I needed a boyfriend and adventure and a baby when I was coming up on seventeen, I knew to follow the words of "The River." It was divine. The thing is, sometimes I don't know which song I gotta act out; it always just presents itself to me in a real obvious sort of way. You'll see. But for now, let me go on with my life with  JJ.

I started to lose my nerve after he spread the blanket on the banks of the river. He asked if I wanted to sit with him or what. 

"I want to dive in," I told him.

"Dive in?! It's April; do you know how cold that water is?"

"I know." 

I looked at my exposed hands and wrists and saw orange streaks. QT application wasn't so smooth. And it appeared to be rubbing off on my white shirt. JJ saw me looking at all that orange. I kept thinking, tan and wet, tan and wet.

"What's all that orange stuff all over the place?" JJ asked.

I shrugged. "Must've gotten something on me, I guess."

Tan and wet, tan and wet.

I walked over to the river--just about five feet away from the blanket, too close to be too brave-- and kicked off my shoes. I stuck a toe in and was sure I'd die if I tried to swim in the water. The water was so cold my toe turned numb and my ankle ached. Was that a snake by the water? Or was it just a twig? JJ watched. He seemed confused, unfamiliar with the lyrics in my head.

Suddenly the song played loud in my head; it meant go, go, go. JJ must go with me. I tore off my pants without even unzipping them. The tunic followed (it sure was orange now). I turned to face JJ head on and undid my bra. His eyes were like yellow marbles and I wasn't sure he was even breathing. He never broke my stare.

My slightly discolored pubescent body was standing, streaked, in only my cornflower print granny pants. I told JJ to join me. In a flash he had whipped off all his clothes except for the tighty whities and stood next to me. Our underpants like a chastity belt, we both clung to the last vestige of our virginity, then ran into the water. and ran right back out. 

Tan and wet; tan and wet.

Now I could see through JJ's underwear, and I knew he could see through mine. We ran, freezing, back to the blanket. 

We held each other in an awkward sort of way; we were real, real cold.

Then, closer than I had ever been with a boy before, I kissed him long and hard. I poked my toungue and sucked his. He liked this. Quickly the granny pants and the tighty-whities were tossed aside and I had my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first boink, all in the same day.

I knew I'd have to continue these river trips to ensure the  wedding coat for JJ's nineteenth birthday. 

The River--Chapter 2

Tomorrow  sure did take long enough to get here. Last night I sat at the dinner table with my daddy and my mama and we had  pizza take-out from Romano's (my favorite) and I didn't even eat. I took one slice and my mouth was salivating at the sight of the tiny grease pools in the center of all those pepperonis. I wanted to have three or four slices; my stomach was growling so I was sure all around me could hear. When I looked from the grease pools to my growling stomach, I saw the big, fat thighs attached to my birthin' hips. I took one  big bite of the pizza, sucked all its juices, chewed it well, and discreetly spit it in the paper towel we were using as napkins. Since there was a role of paper towels on the table I tore off another and repeated the process till the slice was gone, stuffing the chewed bits covered in paper towels between my fat thighs. 

I thought my chew and spit was discreet, but after dinner Mamma came and asked if I was turning anorexic. I told her no and said I was meeting a boy after school tomorrow. She said she understood and brought me an apple and a glass of skim milk. My stomach growled harder than ever as I was tryin' to get to sleep; it made so much noise that it kept me awake most of the night. It probably wasn't just the growling keeping me up, I had a real date after school.

Trying to figure out what to wear was the real problem in my head at seven in the morning. I had to wear something sexy, something I could swim in. I would really impress JJ if I could swim in the wild, cold river in April. I thought about something clingy and white so he could see through it all. I thought about something that could distract his attention from my big-ass thighs to my little boobies. Then I thought that I shouldn't disguise my baby-making hips and thighs--men are supposed to be preconditioned to like that sort of thing; it's biological. Then I thought the obvious: I shouldn't swim in ANY clothes. As for the rest, I trotted out some comfy jeans (not too tight or else they'd make ugly red lines on my belly), a white cotton tunic with some Indian embroidery on the collar and hem (easy to get in and out of, and would look good on a damp body even if I was the same shade of white), Keds ('cause it was gym day and we  were gonna have to hike a bit, maybe), and my best underwear.

The underwear was a problem. My parents buy all my underwear--they buy all my clothes, actually--and see no need for sexy (or even pretty, for that matter). I have a drawer full of granny pants. My bras were ok, nothing too fancy, but I did have the one I wore the day before underneath the cardigan, and it has some lace. I wore that bra and the whitest and brightest granny pants with little blue cornflowers. It was the best I could do.

I took a shower, shaved carefully (even in the "bikini" area, a spot never touched with a razor before), moisturized with a half a bottle of Lubriderm and baby oil (I was slippin' and sliding all over), rubbed a little "QT" foam all over for that orangey-tan faux glow, spritzed a little "Love's Baby Soft" all over (EVERYwhere), and set off for school. I wanted to put on some makeup, but my mamma and daddy didn't approve of that so I had to borrow some waterproof mascara and lip gloss from one of the girls in gym class.

The school day dragged. I scuffed a perfectly coiffed knee playing field hockey in gym. I remembered the "Love's Baby Soft" but forgot a comb or brush; I didn't borrow one of those from anyone 'cause I was scared of cooties. Someone said you could get herpes from lip gloss, but I took my chances there; bugs were different. Hair now in a ponytail instead of coiled sexily by my glossed lips, I went to the front steps of the school.

JJ was waiting for me as promised. He had a paper bag in  one hand, bookbag slung over his back, and a blanket rolled up under his arm. I had forgotten about a blanket. Or towels. I don't think JJ was planning on swimming, but  we must. I must. Tan and wet, tan and wet.

JJ asked where along the Susquehanna river I wanted to go. I said, "the resevoir," but neither of us knew where that was. We settled for a grassy banked area, secluded but for the overpass. No one could see us here except for a second, speeding by in their cars, I thought, secretly hoping that someone would see us.

JJ spread the blanket.

The River--Chapter One

   So let me first say that I am Maddy. When I was sixteen coming up on seventeen, I felt that something was missing in my life. I really wanted a boyfriend--in fact I needed one. I knew that when I was seventeen I would get one, but I started to worry about who it might be. I mean, no one seemed to want me. I lacked confidence. I was pretty enough, you see--coal-black hair, pale skin like the inside of a seashell, and blue, blue eyes--but I carried that same weight around my hips and thighs as my mama. At first I saw that fat as the wall that would hold men back, but then, come sixteen-and-a-half I knew I had birthin' hips.

At sixteen-and-a-half I started looking in earnest for that boyfriend. I may not have been that confident, but I knew what it was I had to do. I had to pay homage to those birthin' hips. Bruce told me my destiny.

Now my requirements for that boyfriend were pretty much set in stone.  He had to be upstanding in the citizenship sort-of-way. He had to honor his father, preferably through working in the family business (if they owned one, all the better; if not, learning his daddy's trade would be good enough). He also had to be a year or two older than me and like the river.

Now, my family never spent much time on the river. In fact, I didn't even know where the river was, but I went looking for it. I knew it couldn't be a creek or a lake or a pond. Only a river would do. I wanted to go to a river that had a swift current that would come and take you by surprise, knock you down and beat you up. I wanted the water to be shockingly cold so as to chill you to the bone when you dip that first toe. I wanted a river with water that was as harsh and cold as my life  was meant to be. No, really. I wanted it that way; it was the way things were supposed to be. It played in my head over and over.

I figured that a river like this could be no minor tributary; it couldn't be a stream posing as a river. The Susquehanna was close, and I supposed that was as good and harsh a river as any. I heard the water was rough and cold, frozen in spots during winter. I even knew a boy who died there. Yep, Susquehanna it would be.

Then, just after my seventeenth birthday, things started falling in place. I started to ask the older boys at school if they liked going to the river. Most didn't care. I didn't just ask the jocks or the heads or the geeks; I asked any boy who worked for his daddy. 

JJ was a new boy from upstate New York, from a town I can't pronounce much less spell. By most accounts of people I knew who had visited that town, it was a place just like this one. JJ played Dungeons and Dragons, and that kind of scared me, but he sold steak sandwiches at little league games from a trailer his daddy owned. He said his daddy made him work and that he didn't like it, but he did it "'cause I'm still just a kid and gotta do what the old man tells me too. I'll probably always do it, though. It'd hurt his feelings, otherwise." I started liking JJ most. 

All the other boys disrespected their daddys, telling me there's no way they'd work for their daddy their whole life. Oh big dreams, boys; big dreams. Where'd you all get so golden? Not JJ. He did it because of respect and guilt--two admirable reasons in my book. But did he like the river? 

The first Monday after I decided JJ was my most likely boyfriend, the one to be the first to navigate the birthing hips, I saw him drinking Turkey Hill iced tea on the school's front steps, leaning on the middle rail, pale as me and looking like he's waiting for someone. I unbuttoned one of the buttons on my cardigan (I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath). I  walked over and stood a couple of steps below him; I wanted him to see a little boob and lace.

"Do you want to go to the river sometime?" I came right out and asked. I was seventeen, now. I couldn't wait any longer.

"What river?' JJ asked.

"Susquehanna. It's really dangerous," I blurted, then looked at him with narrowed eyes that I picture looked real seductive, "I like dangerous."

"Yeah, sure. I'll go with you. I like dangerous, too. Meet me here after school tomorrow, then." That was all JJ said before he turned to walk up the stairs.